Journals36
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Fear...
2 min read
Fear is something that resides within us all. Fear keeps us alive. Fear keeps us from following dangerous paths and keeps us from doing things that hurt us.
Fear is evolution. Fear kept the backwards people that we were from being eaten by lions. Fear kept us out of the storms. Fear ensured that we would continue our lives.
Fear is something that I have been thrust headlong into in the recent weeks. Fear of feelings and pain and the unrequited. In my life I have seen the pain of feelings and the unrequited. It is in the past weeks that this fear has been screaming to me of that danger or pain that may lurk down the path I've been treading...
Funny thing about fear is that if you listen to it all the time you can miss things--profound, magical, wonderful, and amazing things. Am I listening to my fear? No. Do I still feel it tingling in the back of my psyche? Yes. BUT I know to listen to that fear assures that nothing wonderful will happen. I am meeting my fear head on. Grit those teeth, some things are worth screaming, and kicking, and fighting for.
A girl...A girl is facing her fears. She is pushing herself. She is following the dangerous paths of her fears almost everyday. She does it with a smile on her face and a song in heart. She is brave and wise; and she inspires me to face my own fears. I will face my fear with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. More people should be like her. I want to be more like her.
Fear accompanies the possibility of death, calm shepherds its certainty...
Fear is evolution. Fear kept the backwards people that we were from being eaten by lions. Fear kept us out of the storms. Fear ensured that we would continue our lives.
Fear is something that I have been thrust headlong into in the recent weeks. Fear of feelings and pain and the unrequited. In my life I have seen the pain of feelings and the unrequited. It is in the past weeks that this fear has been screaming to me of that danger or pain that may lurk down the path I've been treading...
Funny thing about fear is that if you listen to it all the time you can miss things--profound, magical, wonderful, and amazing things. Am I listening to my fear? No. Do I still feel it tingling in the back of my psyche? Yes. BUT I know to listen to that fear assures that nothing wonderful will happen. I am meeting my fear head on. Grit those teeth, some things are worth screaming, and kicking, and fighting for.
A girl...A girl is facing her fears. She is pushing herself. She is following the dangerous paths of her fears almost everyday. She does it with a smile on her face and a song in heart. She is brave and wise; and she inspires me to face my own fears. I will face my fear with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. More people should be like her. I want to be more like her.
Fear accompanies the possibility of death, calm shepherds its certainty...
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Lost in translation...
2 min read
These moments of bliss are so rare and precious. These moments are not mine. They never will be...
I feel broken, alien, different. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women taken for granted, forgotten about, verbally spat upon, cheated on, and misunderstood. These things baffle me, and cause me confusion, frustration, and anger. These moments make me ashamed of my friends and ashamed of the world.
I feel strange, foreign, and lost in translation. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women in love with people that don't deserve them. These things baffle me, and cause me loneliness, sadness, and lament. These moments make me question the minds of women and make me ashamed of the world.
I feel like I don't fit. I feel like my life is a child's toy. A toy with various shaped blocks and a large plastic box with holes corresponding in shape. In this field of blocks and plastic I am the only heart shaped block--and with no hole that matches, I desperately pound the fragile plastic trying to fit my heart shaped block into a square, or a hexagon.
In the land of hopeless romantics I am their king; and I wear the crown with sullen love.
I feel broken, alien, different. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women taken for granted, forgotten about, verbally spat upon, cheated on, and misunderstood. These things baffle me, and cause me confusion, frustration, and anger. These moments make me ashamed of my friends and ashamed of the world.
I feel strange, foreign, and lost in translation. In the past number of days I've seen wonderful, amazing women in love with people that don't deserve them. These things baffle me, and cause me loneliness, sadness, and lament. These moments make me question the minds of women and make me ashamed of the world.
I feel like I don't fit. I feel like my life is a child's toy. A toy with various shaped blocks and a large plastic box with holes corresponding in shape. In this field of blocks and plastic I am the only heart shaped block--and with no hole that matches, I desperately pound the fragile plastic trying to fit my heart shaped block into a square, or a hexagon.
In the land of hopeless romantics I am their king; and I wear the crown with sullen love.
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B is for BOMB...
3 min read
Somewhere between now and my last post my world has turned to shit. It seems I'm incapable of separating sex and emotion. I guess I'm just not wired that way. I fell for my fuck-buddy, and I fell hard. The strange thing is, I can't even tell you why or how. It has to be sex thing, best blow-job ever.
Anyway, my fuck-buddy, the girl I fell for is now in love with who used to be one of my best friends. AND...this friend happens to be a lesbian. Fucked up, huh? Now heart break I can deal with. I've become somewhat of an expert on the subject. If they had belts for that sort of thing I would no doubt have a very, very black one, and likely reside in a temple. But I digress. I should be able to handle this, but due to the massive amount of bullshit I've been dealing with, roommate issues, my job at the fruit loop factory, etc; my armor is thin and it hit me hard.
Did I mention I work with both of these people? Oh yeah! I don't think I have what it takes to see them together everyday at work. This has led me to the conclusion that I must leave. Things have to fall into place or I have to get out. Things show no signs of falling into place. Where am I going? I don't know. I'm on a roller coaster and I find my mind and intentions are changing frequently.
I've never seen someone come into a social circle and cause so much damage to so many people in such a short amount of time. She walked into my life with a bomb put it in my lap and blew me/us the fuck up. My friend calls her "a wrecking ball with tits". Is it all others faults? No. Some of it is mine, hell a lot of it is mine--but I just can't be asked to take another bullet for someone else's happiness, not again, not now.
And fuck Spitler and Holly for being right. They both told me what would happen and I didn't listen. Pleasures of the flesh is a hard thing to ignore though.
It's not the sex that I miss though. It's the little things: the touches, the glances, the idiosyncratic things we do without thinking, the way the rain rolls down her face, and the her eyes sparkle when she cries. It's the little things that kill.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'll find someone. While I enjoy the sentiment, I grow tired of hearing it. I've heard it all my life and it never works out. I'm growing tired and cynical. I've reached my breaking point of bullshit and I've hit bottom.
I think the worst part is that she keeps comparing me to other guys. The guys that have treated her like shit. I'm not them and she doesn't seem to understand that. I'm unlike anyone she's ever met. I'm likely unlike anyone any of you have ever met. She has me wrong. So wrong that to hear those words of comparison causes me great pain...
I have to take a positive step in my life and I don't think I can do it here.
Anyway, my fuck-buddy, the girl I fell for is now in love with who used to be one of my best friends. AND...this friend happens to be a lesbian. Fucked up, huh? Now heart break I can deal with. I've become somewhat of an expert on the subject. If they had belts for that sort of thing I would no doubt have a very, very black one, and likely reside in a temple. But I digress. I should be able to handle this, but due to the massive amount of bullshit I've been dealing with, roommate issues, my job at the fruit loop factory, etc; my armor is thin and it hit me hard.
Did I mention I work with both of these people? Oh yeah! I don't think I have what it takes to see them together everyday at work. This has led me to the conclusion that I must leave. Things have to fall into place or I have to get out. Things show no signs of falling into place. Where am I going? I don't know. I'm on a roller coaster and I find my mind and intentions are changing frequently.
I've never seen someone come into a social circle and cause so much damage to so many people in such a short amount of time. She walked into my life with a bomb put it in my lap and blew me/us the fuck up. My friend calls her "a wrecking ball with tits". Is it all others faults? No. Some of it is mine, hell a lot of it is mine--but I just can't be asked to take another bullet for someone else's happiness, not again, not now.
And fuck Spitler and Holly for being right. They both told me what would happen and I didn't listen. Pleasures of the flesh is a hard thing to ignore though.
It's not the sex that I miss though. It's the little things: the touches, the glances, the idiosyncratic things we do without thinking, the way the rain rolls down her face, and the her eyes sparkle when she cries. It's the little things that kill.
Everyone keeps telling me that I'll find someone. While I enjoy the sentiment, I grow tired of hearing it. I've heard it all my life and it never works out. I'm growing tired and cynical. I've reached my breaking point of bullshit and I've hit bottom.
I think the worst part is that she keeps comparing me to other guys. The guys that have treated her like shit. I'm not them and she doesn't seem to understand that. I'm unlike anyone she's ever met. I'm likely unlike anyone any of you have ever met. She has me wrong. So wrong that to hear those words of comparison causes me great pain...
I have to take a positive step in my life and I don't think I can do it here.
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6:17am 68 degrees and partly cloudy...
1 min read
These looks. These glances. These touches. These are welcomed distractions from the ruin and poison I see. They are distractions from pain and disgust. In these distractions I feel free because for a single moment I am able to be me; away from the distractions of ruin, poison, pain and disgust.
Which is 10 reasons why I need her. Not the present her. Not the distraction--her...
The ghost her. The myth her. The her that that is a contrast to all I see. The her who I have to believe in.
These moments are nice, so are these touches, but it isn't what I want.
Today's weather is introspective and lonely with a 100% chance of thoughts of lost loves.
Which is 10 reasons why I need her. Not the present her. Not the distraction--her...
The ghost her. The myth her. The her that that is a contrast to all I see. The her who I have to believe in.
These moments are nice, so are these touches, but it isn't what I want.
Today's weather is introspective and lonely with a 100% chance of thoughts of lost loves.
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Words from a wiser man than me...
2 min read
"Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dip-shits.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.
I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves.
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away. "
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dip-shits.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.
I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves.
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away. "
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